Things I'd Tell My Early 2017 Severely Depressed Self: 1/2

Early 2017 was, by far, the darkest and most awful season of my life thus far. I was well into the throngs of my depression and I consistently felt like a horrible mom, a terrible wife, and a complete failure at everything (read: life in general). I mean, not only were all my attempts to get myself back on track unsuccessful, but I started feeling that the person I was always 'being' -- that horrible easily irritated, super moody, perpetually tired, stupid assed, weak person -- who wasn't me at all, was slowly becoming me because I couldn't live life any other way as hard as I tried; This self-realization was nothing short of terrifying because I hated this person I was becoming but then, in a moment of twisted self-reflection, I started this new path of self-doubt where I began doubting whether I was actually the easy-going, optimistic, pleasant, and genuinely joyful person I had remembered being at some point or whether this had all just been a facade to hide my true self: an awful, pessimistic, irritated, moody, tired, stupid-assed, weak human being.

Like I said in my previous post, depression is a bitch.

I know it's only been a year since then (February 14th, 2017 marked the day I finally plucked up the courage and sought professional help which really kick-started my journey of healing and self-discovery), but where I am now is insanely different from where I was then; I'm mentally and emotionally healthier and stronger than I've ever been before, and because of my experience my own perspective and thoughts have shifted in profound ways. While I know in my heart that I couldn't have gotten here if I hadn't experienced first hand what it was like to walk amongst the darkness, through my 'valley of the shadow of death,' here are some things I would tell my early 2017 "severely depressed" self now that I've reach the other side of that dark space:

1/ Trust your gut

I didn't seek help until early 2017 but I knew in my gut, as far back as late 2015, that something was wrong in me and would likely only get worse if I kept being in denial. My gut knew this, but my head just denied and justified everything, and made my believe that I could bring myself out of this rut on my own because I had always been able to do it before and, quite frankly, I was much more interested in what my head had to say on this subject ("Don't worry, Sharon, you just need to try harder" and "Just stick this out and things will eventually get better") because it made me feel like I still had some semblance control of the situation in a really messed up way.

In retrospect, my head was a total moron and I really shouldn't have put much thought (pun intended) into what it was telling me especially when my gut was clearly telling me something completely different which would have actually been useful and helpful. My gut was wiser which tells me that I instinctively knew myself better than I thought, but then let my head get in the way. 

It makes perfect sense now that I'm in a healthier place and my mind is working the way it's suppose to because, damn, depression really fucks up your thinking in the biggest of ways. Honestly, your thoughts cannot be trusted when you are so severely depressed because your thoughts don't make much sense due to the your skewed, depressed, not-in-touch-with-reality lines of thinking (thanks, depression). What can be trusted? Your gut. Over the years I have learned that my own gut isn't quite as clueless as I have made it out to be and I don't give it nearly enough credit. You see, unlike our heads, I think our guts are fundamentally closer to the essence of our beings so depression isn't able to affect our guts the same way depression is able to affect our thoughts. That's a weird sentence, but I really hope you get what I mean.

Trust your gut. Or, at the very least, give it a good listen if you're not at the point where you feel you can fully trust it. But work on that trust because I feel like it plays a big part in developing true self-confidence, self-worth, and self-love.

2/ You are not weak nor are you failure.

I have always advocated for the mental health of others and have always fully believed that the stigma surrounding mental health should not exist - that people should not feel ashamed to seek help or even talk about their struggles. However, in the midst of my own experience with depression I realized that all these words I had so passionately and genuinely meant did not apply to me.

The shame I felt regarding my own depression was so intense and heavy. Self-stigma is real; It really sucks when you realize the greatest obstacle in your life is yourself and because of the shame you feel and your pride (which is definitely in cahoots with your shame) you don't even feel like you can actually do anything about it. 

Honestly if depression is a bitch, then shame and pride are its asshole friends. Why do I say this? Let's take a look at some examples:

My shame and pride were...

- what kept me from seeking help when I knew I needed it

- the ones telling I wasn't getting better because I was "too weak" and I just needed "toughen up more" and things would be ok

- behind my bitter tears after first getting diagnosed with depression

- what made me feel like such a failure every time I took an anti-depressant

It was only after I was able to get over myself that I was able to see the truth: that there is no shame in having depression, that I was strong because I chose to seek help and followed through, and that I would have failed myself if I had allowed myself to continue down the destructive path of depression; It was only when I made the decision turn around and walk the other way with help that I actually gave myself a fighting chance to be successful. 

Turns out I wasn't neither weak nor a failure; These were just some more of the lies depression told me.

More to come, stay tuned for Part 2...

.....
To read more about my journey with depression, read this post.