So...it's been a while.
I'm not going to lie, things have been a little rough around here. This past summer was...tough. I felt things slipping away from me, but in tried and true Sharon-form I trudged on and rationalized that I was "monitoring things." Throughout the summer, it was a whole lot of, "Feeling out of sorts" and, "Just feeling off," and a whole lot of denial. I really didn't want to go back to the dark hole that is depression, but somehow I slipped right back in without even knowing it.
At the end of August, I finally scheduled an appointment to see my therapist (who I hadn't seen since early October 2018) after finally admitting to myself that I had no idea what I wanted to do (with my life in general - seems to ridiculous to write right now, but it's true) and no clue as to how I actually felt. What the fuck, right? Yah, that's what I thought too.
Anyway, it was nice to see him, but in all honesty, it was kind of wake-up call; I ended up breaking during my session and crying into my hands while saying over and over, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." I ended up learning that I was further down this rabbit hole than I originally thought.
What the fuck, depression? LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.
The main conclusion from this session was that I would go back to the same meds I was on pre-pregnancy since I recently weaned myself from pumping milk for my 11mo. Well... that was a few weeks ago and since going back to my original set of meds (read: dropping that additional antidepressant and upping my ADHD stimulant from 60mg to 70mg), I have been disappointed.
I thought that it would be a magical resurgence of the previous, "normal Sharon" that I experienced right before I fell pregnant - when things finally seemed to be coming together with my ADHD symptoms being managed and my mood stabilized. Nope. Since then I've continued feeling down with poor energy. Honestly, late nights (like tonight, as I am typing this after 1am) don't help...but at this point I really don't care. I think this is my problem right now: I don't care. I just don't fucking care. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I'm just okay. But I don't think that's ok... I have no idea. I think I'm just rambling at this point because it's after one in the morning. BUT this is my thought process right now.
Oh, I'm tired? Well, tomorrow I'm going to wake up tired anyway. Thanks, ADHD. Fuck you.
Oh, I'm feeling out of sorts? Well, tomorrow it's probably going to be the exact same feeling. Thanks, Depression. Fuck you too.
It's so incredibly frustrating and irritating; You do all this work, you work your ass off, in order to get better and then what? You end up right where you were again. Maybe not quite as far in, but nevertheless you're in the place you never wanted to be in ever again. I never, ever, wanted to come back here, to this black hole, to this void. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And yet...yes, I know I'm in denial, but deep down I know that I'm back, back in the dark. Perhaps even farther in than even I dare to admit.
One step forward, three steps back. And sometimes it feels like I've taken thirty steps back.
FUCK.
So... it's been a while. I wish I had better news to share, but this is just where I'm at right now. Most of all, though....right now, at this very moment...I just feel...exhausted. Ughh, here's to not denying and accepting where you are, so you can get the help you need when you need it most.
p.s. Fuck you, Depression. ADHD, you have some benefits, but right now...you're just a huge liability to me. Fuck you, too.
