Grieving a life lost

A good friend unexpected passed away earlier this week. He was my former pastor who, at some point over the many years of knowing each other, became a true friend. Quite honestly, I have no idea how to even begin processing this loss.

It just seems so unfair.

And all sorts of wrong.

Everything about this situation seems unreal.

Only this is the reality: He is gone.

He is gone and his wife is now a widow. 

He is gone and his children are fatherless.

He is gone and there is a gaping hole left in our community.

He is gone and I'll never be able to randomly send him texts anymore.

He is gone and so are the opportunities to pick his brain and learn a new insight from him.

He is gone...but...

...his influence remains imprinted on those of us he impacted during his years on earth.

...his memory will remain as we recollect fond and random memories that we shared with him with each other. 

...his legacy and lifework will continue on through the people he shared his passion with and invested in.

...the ways in which he lived fully and wholeheartedly, and loved Love will continue to affect others as we all pay it forward. 

I hope he knew how much he meant to so many people.

I hope he knew how fortunate I felt to be able to call him a friend.

I hope he knew how much of an impact he truly had on so many lives.

Our earthly loss was Heaven's gain, and now you are truly free to sing and worship eternally in  unfathomable and unimaginable ways. And it is in this truth that despite my heavy heart and saddened spirit, that my soul finds comfort in knowing that this is not the end because I'll be seeing you again one day. 

But until then, RIP Tim. 

You are deeply missed, friend.

Enough.

My inner critic is relentless.

When I'm walking confidently with my chin up, she'll whisper something that causes me to doubt.

And as the doubts swirl around in my head, my chin starts to lower--she sees this and smirks.

Then she goes from whispering to me to talking normally, making sure I haven't forgotten about all of my insecurities and fears, resulting in me slowing down--she sees this and goes from smirking to full-on smiling.

Then she goes from talking normally to shouting, loudly filling my inner ears and mind with nonsense and lies until I can do nothing other than stop walking and fall to my knees.

At this point she's laughing and blatantly ridiculing me for falling down...again.

For losing...again.

For failing...again.

...For being a loser.

...For being a failure.

I feel the asphalt under my legs as I curl up into a ball on that hard ground feeling small and hopeless, and cover my ears with my hands and close my eyes to block her out in whatever ways I can. And it's here, in this moment, when I'm basically on the floor in some variant of the fetal position where I hear/think the word 'enough.'

enough.

And each time it comes to me it gets a little louder...

Enough.

...and a little louder...

ENOUGH.

...and louder...

E N O U G H.

And just like that, I find the strength to open my eyes, uncover my ears, and slowly begin to uncurl because I've had ENOUGH.

Enough of listening to her spewing lies and garbage.

Enough of her bullying.

Enough of her smirks, sadistic smiles, and taunts.

Enough of allowing her to have so much influence on me when she clearly doesn't love me nor is she for me.

My inner critic is a relentless bitch who is nothing but a toxic presence in my life.

Unfortunately, cutting her out completely isn't realistic at this point, but I'm not going to sit by idly and watch her destroy all the healing and work I've done so far. Hells to the no.

I'm not going down without a fight, bitch.

Toxicity be gone.

Love flow in.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Are you there world? It's me, Sharon.

Hello again, it's been far too long. My last post was in 2019 which literally feels like a lifetime ago (which sounds about right since life with Covid seems like it has been a lifetime in more ways than one). I have no excuses regarding why it's taken me so long to write other than I had 2 unfinished drafts written at two points in 2020 that I struggled with and then gave up on. 

Anyway, I hope to start blogging somewhat more regularly again--I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head there must be something in there that I can blog about, right?--so I'm starting with this one! Unfortunately sleeping at a reasonable hour is one of my current goals so I'll have to stop this one here, but I'm hoping my next post will preferably happen before 2022 rolls around (where is that facepalm emoticon damnit?)

Until then, later days.

It's been a while...

So...it's been a while.

I'm not going to lie, things have been a little rough around here. This past summer was...tough. I felt things slipping away from me, but in tried and true Sharon-form I trudged on and rationalized that I was "monitoring things." Throughout the summer, it was a whole lot of, "Feeling out of sorts" and, "Just feeling off," and a whole lot of denial. I really didn't want to go back to the dark hole that is depression, but somehow I slipped right back in without even knowing it.

At the end of August, I finally scheduled an appointment to see my therapist (who I hadn't seen since early October 2018) after finally admitting to myself that I had no idea what I wanted to do (with my life in general - seems to ridiculous to write right now, but it's true) and no clue as to how I actually felt. What the fuck, right? Yah, that's what I thought too.

Anyway, it was nice to see him, but in all honesty, it was kind of wake-up call; I ended up breaking during my session and crying into my hands while saying over and over, "I don't know, I don't know, I don't know." I ended up learning that I was further down this rabbit hole than I originally thought.

What the fuck, depression? LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

The main conclusion from this session was that I would go back to the same meds I was on pre-pregnancy since I recently weaned myself from pumping milk for my 11mo. Well... that was a few weeks ago and since going back to my original set of meds (read: dropping that additional antidepressant and upping my ADHD stimulant from 60mg to 70mg), I have been disappointed.

I thought that it would be a magical resurgence of the previous, "normal Sharon" that I experienced right before I fell pregnant - when things finally seemed to be coming together with my ADHD symptoms being managed and my mood stabilized. Nope. Since then I've continued feeling down with poor energy. Honestly, late nights (like tonight, as I am typing this after 1am) don't help...but at this point I really don't care. I think this is my problem right now: I don't care. I just don't fucking care. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy either. I'm just okay. But I don't think that's ok... I have no idea. I think I'm just rambling at this point because it's after one in the morning. BUT this is my thought process right now.

Oh, I'm tired? Well, tomorrow I'm going to wake up tired anyway. Thanks, ADHD. Fuck you.
Oh, I'm feeling out of sorts? Well, tomorrow it's probably going to be the exact same feeling. Thanks, Depression. Fuck you too.

It's so incredibly frustrating and irritating; You do all this work, you work your ass off, in order to get better and then what? You end up right where you were again. Maybe not quite as far in, but nevertheless you're in the place you never wanted to be in ever again. I never, ever, wanted to come back here, to this black hole, to this void. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. And yet...yes, I know I'm in denial, but deep down I know that I'm back, back in the dark. Perhaps even farther in than even I dare to admit.

One step forward, three steps back. And sometimes it feels like I've taken thirty steps back.

FUCK.

So... it's been a while. I wish I had better news to share, but this is just where I'm at right now. Most of all, though....right now, at this very moment...I just feel...exhausted. Ughh, here's to not denying and accepting where you are, so you can get the help you need when you need it most.

p.s. Fuck you, Depression. ADHD, you have some benefits, but right now...you're just a huge liability to me. Fuck you, too.

Yoga Schmoga

So, remember my post about running? Well since having my third child, who is now 7 months old, I have gone for a run all of two times (and after the first one I baked cookies the next day and ate 10 of them in one sitting). I. Am. Amazing.

My running excuse (pun intended) was because it was cold and winter running kind of sucks, so I decided to find an alternative that would be cheap and convenient. Why hello there, yoga.

I do free youtube yoga workouts (because I am a cheap ass) and use a foam camping sleeping mat I found in our basement instead of a proper yoga mat (because I am a cheap ass), but I have no complaints (because I am a cheap ass). Also, because I have been doing workouts via youtube, I have been able to do said workouts in the comfort of home at my convenience without the added pressure of having to look cool in front of other people as I awkwardly try to figure out different yoga poses while falling over in the process. 

My enjoyment of it goes beyond that though: There is just something about coming to my mat and practicing mindfulness (and actually being able to) that feels really satisfying. As someone with ADHD, being mindful and still (more so mentally than physically - inattentive ADHDer here) is especially hard for me (squirrel!), but I am working on it. I have noticed other benefits too: I am more flexible and stronger than when I first started which has been affirming for me as well.

Practicing yoga (look at me talking like I'm a yogi or something bahahaha) has been really great for my mental health too. I already spoken about the benefits re: my ADHD, but it's also been good for managing my depression as well. A few months back, I wasn't doing quite so good in that I was back to feeling moody, constantly exhausted, and completely unmotivated, and while I knew I wasn't in depression I was well on my way so I spoke with my doctor and had anti-depressants adjusted which helped. In addition to that I also started this yoga thing in an attempt to be more active and do some sort of exercise, and I think that the calming effect of the yoga sessions and the sense of accomplishment I felt after finishing workouts also helped to lift me out of my downward spiral.

Anyway, I haven't been running in a while (my Nike Run app just reminded me that it has been 40+ days since my last run, heh) but I am still trying to be active and take care of myself. I don't think I'm completely done with running yet, but for now I've decided not to push that and I'm ok with my decision.  Being active and taking care of ourselves should be enjoyable; after all, it's an act of self-love, is it not?

So here's to health and loving ourselves by taking care of ourselves physically and mentally. Namaste.

Bell Let's Talk Day

Bell has a great mental health initiative called Bell Let's Talk. On this day, Bell Canada aims to increase mental health awareness in hopes to decrease mental health stigma and will donate 5 cents to mental health initiatives each time their official video is viewed. Click here to see the video and to see other ways how you can support this worth cause on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. 

Bell Let's Talk 2019 is today so get out on social media and Let's Talk!

When Grey Makes Blue

For the past two years, January has been a difficult month for me. In 2017 I was at my lowest and losing my battle against depression (until I sought help) and in 2018 I felt like I was regressing again after almost a year of therapy, self-discovery, and improvement. This year, I am feeling it again.

What is it about January? For me, perhaps it's because I remember how things were for me two years ago (the feeling of hopelessness, darkness, and failure) or because it's the middle of winter where I live (which means dark, grey, and cold days)...or maybe a bit of both. Whatever it is, the winter greys can really get me feeling blue. 

Either way, like I said before, earlier this month I felt myself sliding into a rut again. There were some days I just didn't feel like doing anything and would literally sit on the couch for most of the day either napping or just holding my 3 month old son, and found myself getting more and more easily irritated by my husband and kids. The sleepless nights didn't help (my son still wakes up throughout the night) which made my energy levels plummet, and I'm still not on my ADHD meds so organizationally my already scattered mind is just ridiculously all over the place right now (can someone KonMari my brain, please?). 

When I was in my rut last year and struggling with sleep once again, my family doctor suggested that I get a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Lamp. This is the one that I ended up getting. The fact that they sell these at all to the general public tells me that there are a lot of people who feel the winter blues, however I think that people living with depression are more vulnerable to it given our diagnosis.

While the light didn't cure me magically overnight, I do think it was beneficial (and works as a great bedside lamp for feeding my son at night these days lol) as a complement to my medications and therapy. Sleep-wise, things seemed to improve (well, until I got pregnant the next month, but that's a whole different story!) and my happy lamp did play a role. Would I get one if I had to make the choice again? Yes. Would I recommend it to someone affected by the winter blues? Yes - it's not a miracle cure, but it definitely doesn't hurt to have.

These days I have been feeling a bit better (we have had some bright sunny winter days so I think that has helped) and I've forced myself to go outside for walks more frequently when it hasn't been freezing outside which has also been good for me. I still feel exhausted and sometimes just want to sleep all day, but I'm trying my best and it seems to be working even if my steps are small. I'm all about celebrating all the victories, even the little ones. 

If you are feeling blue these days, take heart: you are not alone. Seek help, take care of yourself, and give yourself a break - it's not your fault.

Here's to overcoming ruts and continuing to fight the good fight. Onwards and upwards, friends.